Did you ever wake up and feel like you had somehow found yourself in an alternate universe, one completely opposite to anything you’d ever known? One where up was down, black was white, good was evil and the people who had always loved & cherished you suddenly brimmed with hatred? That is what has happened to me.
For the last 14 years I’ve lived with my daughter, a single mother. Until last year I did all the driving. Her child was born into my hands and I have been her caretaker 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year since the day she was born so that her mother could hold a job, have a career, go to college, travel the world, have a life. Over the years I’ve contributed every dime to the household. I’ve homeschooled her child. I’ve always thought that this was my family, that I was cared for and appreciated. And then one day last week I found my daughter moving boxes out to the car to take to her new apartment. An apartment that I have never seen. An apartment that I will never see. And that is when I learned that I am being discarded, left behind, thrown out with the trash. No explanation. No money. Nowhere to go. No way to get there.
I cannot sleep. For days I did little other than cry, because frankly I am frantic. So many times in my long life I’ve had to pick up the shards of the destruction of my life and glue them back together again. But then I was young and strong and full of courage. Now I am old, but not quite old enough for Social Security. Now I am definitely not as spry as I used to be. And this time, I am not at all sure that I can scrape together the courage that it takes to rebuild your life. This time, I am not sure that I want to.
I haven’t really left the house in years. One trip around WalMart puts me flat on my back for a couple of days. The aisle in the grocery store that has all the candles and air fresheners and scented detergents leaves me gasping for air, running for an inhaler. Still, I’m lucky enough to have hundreds of Facebook friends from all over the world. When I first found out that I was to be thrown away I begged them to pray for me. And so two nights ago I realized that I do have an education. If my feet won’t let me stand up to work at McDonald’s, my allergies keep me out of WalMart and the grocery store, and I’m too long gone from my profession, I can at least substitute teach. If I can get a license. If I can get a car. If I can pay for the background checks. If I can somehow keep body and soul together until school starts in the fall.
What do you do when you have just 18 days left? I guess for me the answer is to write about all the things I love, the things I’ve lost, the places I’ve been. 18 days to end the only life I’ve ever known. 18 days to sell most of what I own. What a new life might be I have no clue. I’ve never made one just for me. I’m not sure I know how. I hope you’ll share my journey.
Like what you read? Want to help?
May 10, 2010 at 05:57
Take care granny! Every little steps you make now will add on to your energy and courage to face the future.
May 10, 2010 at 05:59
Sometimes, Candy, when there is no courage left in us we must draw from our friends. Thanks so much for being there for me.
May 10, 2010 at 06:55
*hugs* Such sadness in these words. But please Granny, also try to look at the other side, your plan sounds good make the best of the worst situation ever. See the light in beginning a whole new journey
Know that your online friends are all here when you need us xx Aberlour
May 10, 2010 at 08:43
I have had to rebuild my life so many times. I know how scared you must feel… And how hard it is to do so… So I wish you all the best, granny!
I hope this turns out to be a good change, somehow, in the long run. Who knows, maybe some good will someday come of it
May 10, 2010 at 09:27
Crash, this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, in a lifetime filled with little other than very hard things. I think the worst thing is that in my entire life I have never had a day where I was responsible for no one and to no one but myself. At 60 I have no idea how to go out into the world utterly alone. I do know I am not the only one though, that there are thousands of people right now all over the world dealing with losing their jobs, their houses, their families, their life as they know it. Who knows, perhaps this is “for the encouragement of others” as the saying goes. . . .
May 10, 2010 at 09:37
Hi Granny,
I was reading your blog, it made me cry, so emotional. You don’t deserve this ! I hope you find the courage to go on and to build a new life. It must be very hard and difficult. You’re in my thoughts all the time. x
May 10, 2010 at 10:25
Granny, I am so sorry for all of this. I know it is really hard, but I am confident, from what little I know of you, that you can do this. Good luck.
May 10, 2010 at 12:29
Mom- I know that it is hard right now and you are scared because this is a complete change. Take it from someone who has been there everytime you had to pick up the pieces. I know you can get through this, you are not entirely alone in this life. You just have to know that you are strong enough to do this, I know you can. I love you!
May 10, 2010 at 13:21
I wish you weren’t so far away Meg.
May 10, 2010 at 13:06
Granny, I am so sorry this has happened to you. I wish there was a way for me to help other than with words of encouragement. But please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
I realize how difficult this must be for you, but take comfort in the fact that you have many friends here that you can talk to should you need someone to listen…or a shoulder to cry upon.
You can do this Granny…take each day as it comes.
July 22, 2010 at 01:33
We’re thinking of you. Stop in now and then.
March 3, 2011 at 01:24
Ditto that – above